As a strong and powerful woman, it doesn't excuse me from having flaws. One of my flaws is that I tend to let things build up and build up until I explode over something small, which I think a lot of people do. Although this is certainly a flaw, it also sometimes helps me function in situations where I need to be on top of my game, and then react to things later. I am frequently in situations where I can't lose my cool no matter what. I am a high school teacher and I need to be on my game at work. I also coach a robotics team and I travel with them 4 to 5 times a year, and I need to be focused when we are at events.
Recently I went through a break-up. Longest relationship I've ever had (3+ years), first boy I've ever lived him, and oh yea I moved from New York to Texas for him. I loved him, case and point.
So now I am trying to accept the situation and move on, but it's been a complete roller coaster so far. I have been traveling almost constantly since it happened and been absorbed in work and robotics which has been good. This weekend was pretty much the first time that I've had some time to myself... and I lost it. Over something completely meaningless and silly on Friday night. I won't go into details, because it's not important. I cried, I screamed, I yelled, I broke things, I swore, and then I yelled some more.
Thank goodness I have a wonderful friend in Texas who took me in and let me stay at her house that night. After I finished going crazy, I crashed and slept for a few hours. Later that night I talked with my best friend from New York. I was embarrassed by my actions, disappointed in myself, and just down right depressed over the whole situation. But she reminded me how strong I am to be able to hold all those feelings in until I am in a situation where I can let them out and have it not serious repercussions. I didn't hurt myself, any one else, or put my job at risk. Feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted I decided to just go to bed.
This morning something great happened. I was OK. I felt like I could get through this for the first time since February. I felt like I could feel again, like I could breathe again, like not every reminder of him was going to send me into some dark pit of despair. I got back up.
I still have a long road ahead, and I know that. I know that the hurt is not gone and that there are still things that need to be worked out and reconciled, but I know one very important thing now. I will be able to get through it. Knowing that simple fact gives me strength. We all have to fall down, before we can get back up.
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