Fuck Cancer

This is not an original opinion by any means, but I hate cancer. I hate it more then anything else in the world. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies or anyone in their families. I've seen it close up, I've seen it far away. And no matter how you look at it it's ugly and heartbreaking.
It was a little less then 4 years ago that I was naive. Life was on track, cancer was something that I heard about on TV and radio. It wasn't even something that happened to other people, but not to me. It just didn't exist in my life at all. Then in January 2008, BAM. Everything changed and it will never go back. My dad was diagnosed with Stage 1 esophageal cancer. Turns out it was an incorrect diagnoses and we found out a few months later it was Stage 3 gastric cancer. While this was going on a distant cousin who was only a few years older then me was diagnosed with tongue cancer and passed away 6 months after being diagnosed. 18 months after my dad was diagnosed he passed away. The next year one of my childhood friends mother was diagnosed and passed away in a matter of weeks. That year my 13 year old cousin was having back pain, and you guessed it, it was cancer.
But this year, this year has been a complete free for all.
December 2011 - My great aunt diagnosed with melanoma
March 2012 - My grandma diagnosed with lymphoma
Summer 2012 - My grandma's sister diagnosed with breast cancer
September 2012 - Two of my very good friend's parents diagnosed, and a co-workers husband.

Every time I hear the news, my whole body just starts to shut down. I remember the moment that I found out about my dad, I remember the surgeries, I remember chemo, I remember the radiation, I remember the moment they told us he was in remission, I remember the moment they told us there was nothing more they could do, I remember hospice, and I remember the moment he died. Cancer has stolen so much from me and the people I love. It's stolen smiles, laughs, life moments, and nights of sleep. It's brought my family closer together, but it's also torn us apart. I just don't want anyone to have to go through this, and yet they do everyday. If we are not doing anything to actively fight cancer then we are letting it tear more families apart.

I was involved in Relay for Life when I was living in Geneva, but since my dad died I haven't done anything. So I want to get back involved. I want to get involved in Relay for Life again, and I also want to do the 3-day walk for the cure. I also want to make sure I get myself checked again for the early stages of the cancer my dad had. I need to do this for myself, for my family, and for everyone that's been affected by this horrible disease that I feel is taking over my life.

When my dad was sick I bought some things for this store because they made me and him laugh. So if you know someone with a decent sense of humor consider supporting the cause by shopping here: http://www.stupidcancerstore.org/Default.asp

1 down, 36 to go

Well week one of the 2012-2013 school year is in the books. All in all it could have gone worse.

The first week of the school year for you non-teachers is all about pure survival. If you make it through without a complete mental break down it's a success. I did in fact make it through, and only a little worse for the wear.

One of the posative things about this school year is that in most of my classes I have students I have already had at least once before. This takes of the immediate stress of learning lots of names, and establishing yourself as "the teacher" in the first few days. As a very young looking 28 year old female, whose only 5'2" this has actually been pretty stressful for the past few years. In case you don't believe me there are still teachers in the building that mistake me for a student all the time. Whenever they tell me this they think it's funny, or that they are the first person to ever do it. It gets old pretty fast.

One big change I am going through is that for the first time ever since I start teaching I am not teaching any math classes. To some people this may sound great, but to me it's been difficult for 2 main reasons. The first is that I actually love teaching math. I mean I really love it. And not to "toot my own horn" but I'm pretty darn good at it. I've been trying to pick up some tutoring jobs on the side to keep this part of my life, and also to supplement my income a little. The second reason this has been a weird transition is that the math department at school are my closest friends and confidants at work. Once you don't teach the same classes as they do you start to lose a little of that close relationship. I already feel "left out" for lack of a better phrase. I guess it's just something I have to adjust too and create realistic expectations about. 

But what's great about this year is I have some amazing potential opportunities in front of me that I can't wait to take advantage of. I am in the middle of starting a new part of our robotics program at Greenville using VEX robotics. It is a new adventure for me that comes with a lot of stress. Failure is not an option. For me or for the district. Part of this new adventure is hosting a VEX regional at the high school. While I am not in charge of his effort (thank goodness) I am definitely going to play a big role in the organization of the event. I just want this program to offer an outlet to the students as a way to get introduced to engineering and robotics without the major stress and commitment of the FRC program.

On Friday night we had our first varsity football and game and the robotics team was there in full force fundraising like crazy. I had a bunch of new students come out and it was great to start to get to know them!

Back to School

And the students think it's hard for them...

Saying "See you later"

Last week I went back to New York to visit my family. We went and spent the weekend in upstate New York, in the Adirondacks, in a town called Port Henry. It is really fun to go here because we stay in the house that my great grandparents purchased when they came from Poland to the United States. It has been in our family for close to 100 years. While we have done some significant renovations to it over the years it still has to charm of an old house. It was one of the most complete family gatherings we've had in years. It was me, my mom, my grandma, my sister and her boyfriend, my Uncle Monk, my cousin Hannah and her husband Dave and children Hudson and Elis, my cousin Irene and her husband Nate, and my Aunt Mo and Uncle Dwight. My grandma is battling cancer (successfully!) and so it was wonderful to see her with my own eyes and be able to talk with her face to face. Another reason I made this unplanned visit was because Hannah and her family are moving to Nepal for 2.5 years.

 The whole gang

 Grandma, Granddaughters, and Great Granddaughters

4 generations of Vickner women

I have to say selfishly it is really hard to understand when people make decisions like this. At times I felt like they were ripping themselves and their children away from us and I just couldn't understand why this seemed like something that was a good choice for them. Although I have to admit I was excited when the location was changed to Nepal from Kenya. I think they could sense this feeling from some of the family and so while we were in Port Henry they gave us a "presentation" of why they were making this decision. While some of their reasons I heard, but still don't quite understand there was one thing they said that really got me. At one point Dave said we want to do this now because a lot of people say they want to help others and go into the world to provide better health care but not a lot of people actually do it. We don't want to be those people that talk about helping others, but never do.
I guess I really understood this because I have been trying to do things and be proactive about what I want to do with my life instead of just sitting on my butt waiting for things to happen to me. Although I am sad to see them go, and there were very tearful hugs I am excited for them to gain the experiences that this trip will give them. Bottom line is I love them very very much, and I just want to support them 100% if this is what they want. I will pray for their safety everyday.

 Hudson and Elis as Ben and Jerry

Hudson and I as Ben and Jerry

Cousins Peace, Love and Ice Cream (with Hudson doing crazy cow :-p)

The Bucket List

It's been a whirlwind of activity since I returned from Italy. In the month I've been back I've had a fabulous birthday party, gone to Indianapolis and Austin for robotics competitions, moved into a new apartment, had my best freiend from NY come to visit, and gone back to NY to spend a weekend in the mountains with family. The last few days are the first time I've sat down and had a moment to breath since I got back.
It's been a rainy few days in Texas and I've run out of motivation to do the small final touches to my apartment. So last night I turned on the TV and the movie "The Bucket List" was on. I saw this movie when it first came out in 2007 but haven't seen it since. I have to say watching it now after watching 2 of my closest family members battle cancer (and 4 other more distant family members) it is a totally different experience. There were a few times I had to turn it off, but after a few minutes I would pull it together and turn it back on again. It put me right back into the moments again of being in the hospital, watching my dad be so sick, and sitting next to him in bed in the days before his death. Some of the scenes of Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman struggling during treatment in the middle of the night were too haunting for me to even watch.
But being in Italy and watching this movie again made me think about all the things I want to do before I die. At this point my family history includes pretty much the whole list of things they ask you about and it's a little scary. I remembered in college I started a list so I went on my computer to see if I could find it again, and lo and behold there it was. Here is what it said:

1. Meet Dar Williams
2.  Learn how to play a Dar Williams song on the guitar
3.  Graduate from Clarkson
4.  Beat my Depression
5.  Learn how to do a cartwheel
6. Go parachuting
7.  Learn how to surf
8. Snorkel the great barrier reef
9. Make girls more interested in technology
10. Grow up to be as amazing as my mom, Karen Hands, and Mrs. Funk
11. Learn how to function when I am single
    
    
    
    So far I can check off 1, 3, 5, and 9ish (I still have a lot more to go).

    10 is pretty much an on going thing :) and 11, well 11 haunted me a little when I read it.

    4 was also really interesting to me. While I certainly will never get rid of it, I have learned a lot of

    coping skills so that on a daily basis it is not crippling like it was in the past.

    So I fel like now I really need 2 bucket lists. One traveling list, and one "other" list. So here is goes:

    Travel List:

1. Greece
2. Paris
3. London
4. Dublin
5. Australia
6. Germany
7. Switzerland
8. Monaco
9. Prague
10. Poland
11. Peru
12. Brazil
13. Alaska
14. Seattle
15. Phoenix
16. LA
17. Napa Valley
18. Hawaii
19. Hilton Head, SC
20. Memphis
21. Nashville
22. Mount Rushmore (on the 4th of July)

Other List:

1. Be the best friend and family member I can be
2. Continue to learn and grow as a teacher
3. Win a robotics world championship :-p
4. Have a family of my own
5. Be in a relationship where there is mutual love and respect
6. Run a half 5K/10K/marathon
7. Do a 3-Day Breast Cancer walk
8. Lean another language (Italian maybe?)
9. Go to Austin City Limits
10. Swim with the dolphins
11. Swim with the manatees (doing this in September)
12. Take a hot air balloon ride
13. Stomp grapes for wine
14. Get my Masters (so close)
15. Own a house
16. Have a hot tub

I'm busy getting stronger

The end of Italy, the beginning of the next adventure

I am definitely a few good stories behind on my blog, but in my last few days in Italy I have been taking time to relax and reflect on my time here and what my plans are when I get back to the states. There are a few pressing issues that will need my attention quickly and I am trying to figure out exactly how to handle them. But before my last day in Italy I wanted to make a list of things I will miss about Italy and things that I can not wait to get back to in the US of A.

Things I will miss about Italy

1) Everything

Ok, ok, while that is true I should probably go into more detail.

2) The clear refreshing water of the Adriatic. Going to the beach almost every afternoon not only was refreshing after a morning in the sun at camp, but also was a great bonding time for us.

3) Big lunch, small dinner. I might try and take this back with me, I felt so much better after eating a big healthy at lunch and then just kind of snacking at dinner time. Also I want to take back some of the food philosophies I've learned here. My intense heartburn has really subsided since being here and I have lost weight and felt great. A lot of this I think has to do with some of the many things Italians know about digestion and PH levels of the body. Drinking coffee after a meal may be fashionable in the US but here they do it because it speeds digestion and ups your metabolism. There are bunch more of these tips that I will be trying to integrate into my life.

4) History. Being able to turn the corner and constantly see buildings that are thousands of years old and hear all the stories about them will never get old. I need to seek out more culture in the US.

5) The relaxed atmosphere. Everything in the US is go go go. And I, admittedly, am like that too. But in Italy they will look at you like you are crazy if you ask for coffee to go, and they don't even have "to go" cups. While sometimes I found this frustrating, I learned to appreciate it the more time I spent here. The fact that nothing needs to be rushed and you can just move at your own pace and no one cares is freeing.

6) On that note I will miss the coffee!! It is so much better over here, I don't know how they do it.

7) Simplicity. I am going to try and be more simple when I get home. In Italy I didn't have a clothes dryer, a dish washer, an oven, a stove, a coffee maker, a fridge that I could fit more then 3 things in, paper towels, a shower I could bend over in, or even a car. And guess what? The world didn't end. And in fact I didn't even miss anything that much. Now granted I can't survive without a car in Texas. I live 20 miles away from work and it's 100+ half the year. But I want to at least take back the essence of being a simpler person and wasting less.

8) Cheap, delicious wine. I'm telling you, wine is just better here.

Things I miss about the US

1) ICE there is not ice in anything over here and it is HOT. I just want some ice in my water some days.

2) (Pretend you didn't read #5 on the list above) Coffee to go! :-p

3) My friends

4) Tacos

5) Eggs for breakfast

6) Being able to read signs and being able to speak to people. I have found that through the little Spanish I know and the little Italian I learned here I could understand most of what people were trying to say to me, I just couldn't say anything back. It was so frustrating. But I realize it was completely my fault that I didn't learn more Italian before coming here.

7) Mani/Pedi's (I know they have them here, just not in the small town that I was living in)

8) Air conditioning

9) Stores being open all day, not just from 10am-1pm and 5pm-10pm.

10) Having a phone...that I can actually use



All in all this has been a great experience. I am so glad that I found the opportunity and have a flexible enough job/life/schedule that allowed me to take the opportunity. I felt good to be able to make this decision on my own, not having to run it by anyone, and just have the unconditional support of the people around me. It was nice to take a break from my life for a while and surround myself with new people, a new culture, and new experiences. I was so broken when I came here, more then I even realized until I started to be myself again. But what frustrated me most about the situation is that I allowed myself to get that way. I allowed myself to crawl into that hole and feel sorry for myself and not try to change it for so long. I regret a lot of the things that happened in the months leading up to coming here, but part of me feels like I needed to go through all that to realize what I don't want to do to myself in the future. Everything happens for a reason, right?

I am sad to be leaving, but excited to go home. I can't wait to see my friends and family (and welcome Katy back to the US as well). I can't wait to celebrate my birthday (and Sophie's and Jen's), do crafts, take trips with my robotics kids, hang at the saucer, go to trivia, explore Dallas more, take some cooking classes, move to my new place, cuddle with my kitties, start a new school year, and take my change in atitude with me through it all. I will never let myself be ruled by hate and anger again. It's not my style and it didn't suit me one bit. I hope when I get back I can allow myself to forgive and that others can allow themselves to forgive me. I'm not perfect for sure, but all I can be is me. And I think I found myself again.