Heart of the Matter

Trying to find closure here before leaving for a chuck of the summer has been a challenge. Physically I feel like I am all over the place. Half my things are in storage, half at a friends house, and even more stuff scattered through out various closets and attics. I am trying to take care of last minute things: mail, banking, bills, loose ends at work, etc. And of course I am trying to settle things emotionally for myself so I can make the most of my time over seas.

I've been so angry for so long and it's not an emotion I am used to carrying. So I suppressed it and tried to keep in inside, and not do anything irrational. But what I failed to realize was that the only way it was going to go away was by letting it out. So I lost my cool for a moment, said some things that I needed to get off my chest, even though they weren't that nice or even really needed to be said. But since then I have felt so much better. I've been able to find some sort of peace. I finally felt like I did something I needed to do, not just what everyone else was telling me I needed to do. I love all the people in my life and they have been wonderful through out this whole process, but I got to a point where I was sick of listening to every body else's opinion of what I needed to do. It's easy to tell me I need to move on when they are all in happy functional relationships. What wasn't so easy was for me to figure out what I needed in all this.

I finally figured out that I needed pretty simple things. I needed time, I needed lots of space, and most importantly I needed to say my piece.

So now here I am, ready to head out and try new things. Feeling like I have finally gotten down to the heart of the matter.

"There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Gotta put it all behind ya, cause life goes on
You keep carrying that anger, it will eat you inside
I wanted happily ever after, but my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh gets weak and the the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinking about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore"